by Sharon Knight

Dear Republicans, extreme capitalists, greedy rich, robber barons, anti-government extremists, hate mongers, money launderers, and others of dubious ethics,

We, the working classes of America, have heard your message loud and clear – “Get your own!” We understand that you have no desire to contribute anything of your hard earned money to ensuring that all Americans, regardless of class, race, or economic status, have access to health care.

We understand that even though in many cases your wealth has been built with our sweat and tears, it would be unfair and burdensome for you to have to pay any taxes to ensure our well-being. Indeed, we acknowledge that America has always been about every man for himself, and that to have to contribute to the well-being of those other losers who didn’t figure out how to get rich off the system is just downright un-American.

We, being patriots ourselves and hardly wishing to be called un-American, understand your dilemma, and respect your assertions that we must all “get our own”.

Therefore, as the people who mow your lawns, clean your houses, answer your phones, drive you around, give you pedicures, walk your dog, teach your kids music and art, pick them up after school, change their diapers, wax your car, etc. etc. etc., we must inform you that we are raising our rates.

We are simply unable to continue to wipe your lily-white asses for the slave wages you have grown accustomed to paying.

Since many of us are contract workers, required to pay everything out of our own pockets – (God forbid you’d have to chip in for our taxes, or, gasp, health care, as an employer would) – we must adjust our rates based on this fact. Therefore we now require a minimum yearly salary of $100,000. (To be reassessed with the birth of each new child – we would hate to offend your religious sensibilities by using birth control).

That’s right. It will now cost you 1,000 benjamins to have your lawn mowed twice a week. And another 1,000 to have your pool cleaned. Another 100 grand for your massage therapist, and yet another so your wife can maintain her delicately lacquered toenails, another to keep your car waxed, etc. ad nauseum.

We understand it will get quite expensive for you to continue with all these luxuries, but you know, it’s just not our problem. We need to look out for number one, after all. I’m sure you’ll figure something out.

Perhaps you’ll even figure out how to wipe your own asses.


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